Melly Clit-mat and Happy Noo Yee-Ah!

And there won’t be snow on Ekkamai this Christmas

At least not the kind of snow most people know – Nyacky Flange Aid - *1

It’s the Festive Season in Buddhist Thailand, which, in a nutshell means:

1. For two months, now, we’ve been driven to distraction by relentless and uniquely Thai versions of Christmas carols including “Fwostee Da Snowman,” “Jinger Ben,” and as my gorgeous friend Niki so beautifully puts it “We wit you a melly clit-mat and a happy noo yee-ah?“ In every department store, 7-11, bank, government office, you name it;

2. Corporate sponsorship of synthetic trees, Santas and assorted other silly Chrissy thingeys has blown off the scales. In Bangkok, forget the First Noel and the angel. Our “trees” are brought to you by McDonalds, Visa Card, Master Card, Kasikorn Bank, Bangkok Bangkok, Siam Commercial Bank and the Nakhon Ratchasima Mutual Cooperative Credit Society for Poor People or NRMCCSFOPP. (I only made one of those up) and the preferred colors are deep purple and shimmering silver. There is no such thing as over-the-top in my adopted home country;

3. Most importantly, it’s preparation time for my inner circle’s annual luncheon bash and we’ve got sooo much to do. Actually ‘luncheon,’ aside from being a ridiculous word, is not really appropriate. Usually the food doesn’t appear until about 4 pm, by which time most of us are three sheets to the wind. Some years, we’ve actually forgotten to eat.

I hosted last year's extravaganza, for the first time. 

People had warned me about how much work was involved, but seriously I don’t know what they were banging on about. It was a snap, simple, easy peasy lemon squeezy.

“That’s because you outsourced absolutely everything,” said my mate Stu, who fortunately I had the foresight to appoint as Executive Producer (I’m sorry, I’ve worked in television too long to think or talk in any other terms).

He is right of course. I did. I got everyone to do everything while I popped over to Laos for a little holiday break withy my friend Ginny.

But I knew that Stu was the way to go. As well as being stylish, sexy, a Master of Good Taste and superb cook, he’s so organized it’s slappable . And with his gorgeous significant other, Tam, who can whip up an award-winning cheesecake between Skytrain stations, in tow, one simply couldn't go wrong.

Stu, Craig & Tam

Nicole was charged with buying and decorating the Christmas tree, as well as picking up my pre-ordered turkey from Villa supermarket, Paula and Nadia were in charge of vegetables, Stu provided the music and the sound system. 

Annie came armed with ice (the frozen water kind, don’t get the wrong idea), Phil brought along the Esky – or cooler for my legions of non-Australian readers -- which I got Nadia to return to him seven months later for his birthday party that I shamefully didn’t attend.

Ginny – visiting from South Africa -- whipped up a few platters, Niki brought desserts, Andrew was the ice cream man and my next door neighbour Jeanne, who still doesn’t know this as she was in the U.S., supplied an extra dining room table, six chairs and a gravy boat, an hilarious object that I had never heard of until Stu asked me if I had one, as Paula and Nadia erupted into side-splitting laughter.

Nicole, Stu & Craig

“Does he look like someone who, given his complete lack of culinary skills, would have a gravy boat? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Stu,” blurted Paula while topping up her 8^th vodka as the veggies burned to a crisp.

Craig & Paula

Annie and her hubby Steve, who I have a secret crush on, hosted it one year and almost suffered stress-related nervous collapse, hence my decision to “produce” or “assign” and "outsource" the various "tasks."

Tam, Annie & Craig

This year it’s Niki turn. Niki knows how to get things right.

Okay, her tasteful 'luncheons' rely a lot on domestic staff, as do mine, along with friends, but I’m looking forward to her soiree. She actually dared, then encouraged and finally congratulated me on being able to pull off last year’s frivolities. 

And Niki and I speak the same language – an arcane dialect incomprehensible to anyone except the two of us after a combined 18 glasses of Sauvignon Plonk.

Niki & Craig

It is bound to be fabulous, but we’re hoping our dear leader Andrew, who is currently on a sell-out tour promoting his new album “SAEC” – or Single ASEAN Economic Community" feat. Usher, Sia and Ms. Pichada de Jesus – will be able to join us.

It wouldn’t be the same without you, Andrew. Crouton Craig? I hear you ask.

Andrew & Craig

In the past we've had various themes, usually related to popular songs -- or songs popular known for reasons only to ourselves.

Stu's dos are generally Renee Geyer or Chaka Khan-based. Andrew is a Kate Bush Fanatic. Annie and Steve's was indie-ishly Smiths-ish. (Try saying that after six Shirazs, three plumb-puddings and nine lines of blow, I mean snow, I mean, oh I don't know what I mean). Mine was Kylie or Bust.

Niki's is going to be "Gangnam Style". Except she doesn't know that yet.

So Jinger Ben, Melly Clit-mat and may Fwosty  Da Snowman melt to bits wherever you are this Dec. 25. I am one happy chappy, or as Kylie sang "lucky, lucky ducky" to have so many fabulous friends. And I love youse all.

Thank you for your support in 'TWENTY TWELVE." This Christmas, blow your own fucking trumpet till the cows, and, Randolph the rude-nosed reindeer comes home. Or until you are blue in the face!

* See Footnote 2

Craigy

xxx

* 1- Nyacky Flange is the name of a Bangkok Cult, masquerading as a book club, to which I belong.

* 2 - It's pure coincidence that I appear in every single photo, really, I promise. I have no ego, whatsoever. I'm not the slightest bit self-centered, ask anyone, although preferably me. And not personally, you must forward all inquiries to "my people." And please, no direct eye contact. Have I not made that clear?